Rodney Dangerfield was the undisputed master of the one-liner. With his bug-eyed expressions, jittery delivery, and iconic line—“I don’t get no respect!”—he turned misery into comedy gold. From late-night TV to sold-out stand-up shows, Rodney made generations laugh at his pain… and maybe see a little of their own in it.
Whether he was talking about his marriage, his doctor, or his disastrous childhood, Rodney’s jokes hit with such rapid-fire absurdity that you couldn’t help but laugh—even if you felt a little bad about it.
So loosen your tie, wipe the sweat off your brow, and prepare to laugh at 100 of his best zingers. Just don’t expect any respect.
Marriage and Relationships
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- My wife’s cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in to fix the screen door.
- I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
- I told my wife she was bad in bed. She went out and got a second opinion.
- My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
- I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
- My wife and I sleep in separate rooms, we eat apart, we take separate vacations—we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
- My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
- My wife drives me nuts. She keeps threatening to move back in.
Family and Childhood
- I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.
- My parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- My father never liked me. He gave me a bat for Christmas—then he gave my brother a ball.
- When I was a kid, I got lost at the beach. The cops helped my parents look for me. They even put up a reward—$500… dead or alive.
- My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
- I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He said, “Wait till it gets warmer.”
- I tell ya, I never got any breaks as a kid. I played hide-and-seek, they wouldn’t even look for me.
- My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
- When I was a kid, I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I’d get.
- I looked up my family tree. Two dogs were using it.
Looks and Body Image
- I’m so ugly, when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
- I’m so ugly, my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.
- I’m so ugly, I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.
- I’m so ugly, I went to a freak show and they let me in for free.
- I’m so ugly, even my imaginary friend refused to play with me.
- I’m so fat, when I step on a scale, it says, “One at a time!”
- I’m so short, when I sit on the curb, my feet dangle.
- I’m so bald, I used to be a Hare Krishna until they said, “Never mind.”
- With my looks, I get no respect. I asked a bartender for a double, and he brought me a mirror.
- I looked in the mirror once. The glass cracked up laughing.
Work and Career
- I get no respect at work. The janitor has a better parking space than me.
- At my job, I asked for a raise. They told me I was lucky to still be on parole.
- I told my boss I needed a day off. He said, “So do we!”
- I worked in a deli. I sliced meat so thin I made prosciutto see-through.
- My boss is so cheap, he steals paper clips from the church collection plate.
- I got a job as a human scarecrow. Birds brought me food.
- I wanted to be an actor, but the casting couch took one look and said, “We’re full.”
- I tried stand-up comedy, but the mic walked out on me.
- I told a joke at the office once. HR made me take sensitivity training.
- I took a career aptitude test. It came back “Try again.”
Doctors and Health
- My doctor said I need more exercise. So now I park farther from the liquor store.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”
- I went to the doctor. He said I needed a heart transplant. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, “Okay, you’re still fat.”
- My dentist told me to brush twice a day. I said, “How about once and just really hard?”
- My proctologist moved to another state without leaving a forwarding address.
- I asked my doctor how long I have to live. He said, “Ten.” I said, “Ten what?” He said, “Nine, eight…”
- My doctor said I need more greens in my diet. I added green M&M’s.
- I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He said, “Stop going to those places.”
- My shrink said I was crazy, but I said it was just a side effect of being me.
- I got a fitness tracker. It told me to lie down and give up.
Money and Status
- I get no respect. I once asked my bank for a loan and they gave me an application for a job.
- I told my broker I wanted to invest in something safe. He suggested bottled water.
- I called the IRS to ask a question. They put me on hold and charged me interest.
- I went to a casino and lost so fast, the dealer offered me cab fare.
- I’m so broke, I go to KFC and lick other people’s fingers.
- Even my wallet gets depressed when I open it.
- I asked a friend to spot me $50. He said, “Why waste a good bill?”
- I got a raise once. It raised my blood pressure.
- I tried saving money, but it got away.
- I bought a used car. The air freshener costs more than the engine.
School and Intelligence
- I was so dumb, my goldfish trained me.
- I went to a school so rough, we had our own coroner.
- My grades were so bad, my report card came with an apology.
- I asked my teacher if ignorance was bliss. She said, “Not for me.”
- My school was so poor, we took math with an abacus and hope.
- I studied all night for a test. It was an eye exam.
- I told my son to go to college. He said, “Why? Look how you turned out.”
- I was voted most likely to be forgotten.
- In high school, I was voted “Most likely to be used as a cautionary tale.”
- I once asked my teacher, “How do you spell ‘IQ’?”
Everyday Life and Struggles
- I don’t get no respect. I bought a GPS and it told me to turn around and go home.
- I went to a massage therapist. She charged extra to touch me.
- I joined a gym. They gave me a map to the exit.
- I bought a smart TV. It won’t talk to me.
- I called tech support. They told me to unplug myself and plug back in.
- I signed up for a dating app. They sent me a refund.
- I took a personality test. It came back “404: Not Found.”
- Even my dog ignores me. He plays dead before I walk in.
- I bought a mood ring. It turns black whenever I wear it.
- I got stuck in an elevator. The elevator sighed.
Love and Dating
- I asked a girl out. She said, “I’d rather be single in a pandemic.”
- I told her I had feelings. She said, “Yeah, I have laundry.”
- My love life’s a disaster. Even my imaginary girlfriend left me.
- I met a girl online. She blocked me in real life.
- I gave a woman flowers. She gave them back—with a restraining order.
- I dated a contortionist once. She dumped me by folding herself out of the room.
- I told a girl I was romantic. She said, “So is my dentist.”
- I once dated twins. I got dumped twice as fast.
- My idea of a hot date is a sandwich that hasn’t gone cold.
- I asked a woman to dinner. She said, “Only if it’s my last meal.”
Final Zingers
- Even my alarm clock doesn’t respect me. It hits snooze on me.
- I joined a self-help group. They voted me most hopeless.
- I took a personality quiz. It came back “Error 404: Not Found.”
- I told my mirror I was good-looking. It cracked up.
- I asked my GPS for directions. It said, “Just… don’t.”
- Even the Grim Reaper asked for ID before taking me.
- My dog ran away. He came back with a lawyer.
- I tried meditation. My inner voice sued for harassment.
- I wrote a book once. The pages filed a restraining order.
- I don’t get no respect at all. I called the suicide hotline—they put me on hold.
Rodney Dangerfield may be gone, but his jokes live on—and they still don’t get any respect. His comedy was rooted in that beautiful blend of pain and punchlines, of a guy who just couldn’t catch a break… and made sure everyone laughed about it.
If you chuckled, cringed, or groaned, then Rodney’s spirit is still doing its job. Now go out there, straighten your tie, and remember: when life gets tough, at least it’s giving you material.